3 Months Later...

My three month probation for work has ceased and I am now a regular employee. Yay. It's great to have a regular paycheck again but I'm still thinking of going back to school. I can't finish my history degree because that would just be suicide in our economy that is laying off teachers left and right. I am thinking of the medical assist path since I read an article that the profession is expected to rise 37 percent in the next few years. I have no idea what I want to do...I just need something where I can make a decent wage to sustain myself. Short blog update but it's better than nothing I guess.

Day Four....Insert Rocky Theme

I woke up this morning determined to eat breakfast and it was a smart move. I ate a bagel and fat free cream cheese for 2 points total (take into account that it is a thin ass bagel and expensive since it is weight watcher friendly). Upon reflection, I think I should have eaten an apple or banana with it just to balance it out - but I'm never starving in the morning anyway.

Yet again - no yoga. Damn my lazy ass.

Lunch was interrupted by a phone call about a job interview! I was so excited that I didn't realize I would be skipping lunch...until about ten minutes before I walked out the door. I was freaking starving too. I think the hunger pains made me giddy in the interview and the Human Resource lady confused it with happiness. MISTAKE! But after I broke the sound barrier speeding home I ate a Smart One - LOOOOVe the pasta one, it's only 5 or 6 points. And if you combine it with a big salad with fat free Italian dressing no additional points.

Dinner was a strained affair since there was fighting in the house...but I prevailed and stuck to my diet. Woo Woo. I ate my left overs from the night before. 4 ounces of (sounds ridiculously small but it was filling over all) lean turkey breast, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, with half cup of mashed potatoes with 2 tbs of McCormick Brown Gravy mix. Needless to say it was delicious. And I can't believe I actually had to measure my food out with a weighing scale and measuring cups.

Desert, you ask? A skinny cow. Ohhh yeah.

Day One...Food Nazi and Suicidal Day Dreams

Day One: The Food Nazi has arrived this morning. Laying in wait, I found him in the living room in place of my older brother. Benjamin has left for the duration of the diet and in his place? Rear Admiral Food Nazi.

In place of breakfast I chose to go back to sleep. Mmmmmm. I feel full. Pfft. Lunch consisted of a 2 cups Cheerios, 1 cup milk, and dash of Splenda (gross stuff). I told my brother I was hungry and he thought up the cereal idea since we actually haven't gone grocery shopping yet. He then told me the measuring cup was in the sink and I was like WTF? Yes, we have to actually measure out the Cheerios and Milk. I immediately pictured myself barricaded in a closet eating a giant bowl of cereal. Suicide by over-eating. Gross. We need to cut up bags of veggies to snack on, otherwise I'm sure to murder someone.

I've also been ordered to choose a yoga/Pilates exercise video. My nieces will probably join me on this little adventure as if it's not embarrassing enough. So Day 1 of Operation Humiliation is underway.

Monster or Man

There are many things I can’t promise you.

I can’t promise that I’ll be the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen.
I can’t promise to always make you laugh.
I can’t promise to always give myself to you.
I can’t promise that I won’t get mad.
I can’t promise that I won’t be scared.
I can’t promise that we’ll always be in love.
I can’t promise a happily ever after ending.

But there is one thing I can promise you.

I can promise that where other girls see a handsome face…I see the man.
I promise that you’ll never be invisible to me.

So what do you want from me?
Is it worth it...to be seen for who you truly are?
The monster or man...
I can't love one without the other.

Miss You

Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

I Could Never Be Your Woman...

I could never be your woman.

Being 'kept' seems like too much of a risk, always having to depend on him to do the right thing. Even on equal footing, the risks are scary...what if he decides to hit me or make me feel horrible about myself? What if he lies to me or cheats on me? What if the problem isn’t with him?

What if I mess up? Say the wrong thing or snore too loud? What if I manage to fuck it up? These are the stupid concerns that invade my brain at odd moments of the day.

It wouldn't be fair to him, anyways. If he took me as I am now then he wouldn't be getting a whole woman - just a passable facade of one. What kind of woman doesn't know how to respond when a man tries to 'flirt' or 'come onto them'? He made a pass at me and what did I do? Just kept my head adverted and pretended to not hear or see him.

But I don't like him.

I keep telling myself that I will find a guy that doesn't make me afraid and I actually want to notice me...it seems that the only men interested in me are the one's I'm not interested in at all. And then when I do find myself attracted to someone I second guess myself. Maybe I'm only attracted to him because he's a seemingly nice, decent guy - and I'm so damn lonely that I latch onto that persona they exude, but really isn't there.

Disregarding all of the above mentioned excuses and all bullcrap aside...I could never be anyone's woman. It requires too much trust and strength. Most days I barely have enough strength for myself.

New Year's Resolutions

Diane Garnick: The most important trait necessary for finding a soul mate... is being true to your own soul.

Being true to one's soul is a complicated matter. How do we know we're not being horribly selfish? How do we know that being horribly selfish is perhaps the right thing to do? Being true to yourself is alot harder than it seems. You have to second guess your motives. Maybe being true to yourself means quitting a job? But how would you pay your bills? Maybe being true to myself means keeping a secret that has no business being kept? Someone should write a guideline on this being true to yourself business.

In honor of the New Year I have began a series of 'changes' I have instituted. I have chopped off 8 inches of my hair, which to some Native American tribes would be a symbol of mourning, but to me this is a symbol of a new beginning. I have a new job - not as great as my last one but it is something new and different. I live 3,000 miles away from where I spent last New Years and hopefully this distance will count for something.

It has been said that if you dislike your life then the only course is to disrupt it; to change certain aspects of your life which will force YOU to change. These changes may not lead to anything new and I may stay stuck in the same self-inflicted isolated state that I am in now...but there's always that chance that something will change.

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Write more and often (i.e. doesn't necessarily mean great writing)
2. Make my language more age appropriate (i.e. no more shit, fuck, cunt, snatch,
damn, hell, and etc)
3. Control my actions ( I may not be able to control the situation but I can
control my own actions - not arguing or fighting)
4. Find some form of inner peace