I could never be your woman.
Being 'kept' seems like too much of a risk, always having to depend on him to do the right thing. Even on equal footing, the risks are scary...what if he decides to hit me or make me feel horrible about myself? What if he lies to me or cheats on me? What if the problem isn’t with him?
What if I mess up? Say the wrong thing or snore too loud? What if I manage to fuck it up? These are the stupid concerns that invade my brain at odd moments of the day.
It wouldn't be fair to him, anyways. If he took me as I am now then he wouldn't be getting a whole woman - just a passable facade of one. What kind of woman doesn't know how to respond when a man tries to 'flirt' or 'come onto them'? He made a pass at me and what did I do? Just kept my head adverted and pretended to not hear or see him.
But I don't like him.
I keep telling myself that I will find a guy that doesn't make me afraid and I actually want to notice me...it seems that the only men interested in me are the one's I'm not interested in at all. And then when I do find myself attracted to someone I second guess myself. Maybe I'm only attracted to him because he's a seemingly nice, decent guy - and I'm so damn lonely that I latch onto that persona they exude, but really isn't there.
Disregarding all of the above mentioned excuses and all bullcrap aside...I could never be anyone's woman. It requires too much trust and strength. Most days I barely have enough strength for myself.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
Diane Garnick: The most important trait necessary for finding a soul mate... is being true to your own soul.
Being true to one's soul is a complicated matter. How do we know we're not being horribly selfish? How do we know that being horribly selfish is perhaps the right thing to do? Being true to yourself is alot harder than it seems. You have to second guess your motives. Maybe being true to yourself means quitting a job? But how would you pay your bills? Maybe being true to myself means keeping a secret that has no business being kept? Someone should write a guideline on this being true to yourself business.
In honor of the New Year I have began a series of 'changes' I have instituted. I have chopped off 8 inches of my hair, which to some Native American tribes would be a symbol of mourning, but to me this is a symbol of a new beginning. I have a new job - not as great as my last one but it is something new and different. I live 3,000 miles away from where I spent last New Years and hopefully this distance will count for something.
It has been said that if you dislike your life then the only course is to disrupt it; to change certain aspects of your life which will force YOU to change. These changes may not lead to anything new and I may stay stuck in the same self-inflicted isolated state that I am in now...but there's always that chance that something will change.
New Year's Resolutions:
1. Write more and often (i.e. doesn't necessarily mean great writing)
2. Make my language more age appropriate (i.e. no more shit, fuck, cunt, snatch,
damn, hell, and etc)
3. Control my actions ( I may not be able to control the situation but I can
control my own actions - not arguing or fighting)
4. Find some form of inner peace
Being true to one's soul is a complicated matter. How do we know we're not being horribly selfish? How do we know that being horribly selfish is perhaps the right thing to do? Being true to yourself is alot harder than it seems. You have to second guess your motives. Maybe being true to yourself means quitting a job? But how would you pay your bills? Maybe being true to myself means keeping a secret that has no business being kept? Someone should write a guideline on this being true to yourself business.
In honor of the New Year I have began a series of 'changes' I have instituted. I have chopped off 8 inches of my hair, which to some Native American tribes would be a symbol of mourning, but to me this is a symbol of a new beginning. I have a new job - not as great as my last one but it is something new and different. I live 3,000 miles away from where I spent last New Years and hopefully this distance will count for something.
It has been said that if you dislike your life then the only course is to disrupt it; to change certain aspects of your life which will force YOU to change. These changes may not lead to anything new and I may stay stuck in the same self-inflicted isolated state that I am in now...but there's always that chance that something will change.
New Year's Resolutions:
1. Write more and often (i.e. doesn't necessarily mean great writing)
2. Make my language more age appropriate (i.e. no more shit, fuck, cunt, snatch,
damn, hell, and etc)
3. Control my actions ( I may not be able to control the situation but I can
control my own actions - not arguing or fighting)
4. Find some form of inner peace
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